literature

All About Me

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Literature Text

I like to help people get through their problems. People say that is very kind and thoughtful and I even say it myself, but I know it is just a selfish thought. I try to distract myself from my own problems by helping people fix theirs, but like most people, including myself, they keep their feelings inside. Like how I am not 100% sure of my sexuality. I am interested in girls, but I have am unsure about the rest... I distract myself with other things music, books, TV, movies, and even work. Even though I distract myself from problems it can’t help the fact that they eat at me like a horrible flesh eating virus, that for every time I cover up a wound it gets bigger instead of healing. I even see a cure so close and within my grasp, but I don’t want to get it because there is a wall of fire around it. I don’t realize that for a short second of pain I can be healed of agony. Or there is the other way... I have even thought about it before... Almost everyday... Sad really, so sad that I wouldn’t do it... but I have wanted to. I would rather just go free run to somewhere new, start anew. I could be someone else possibly the real me or whoever that is. I would go to Vancouver. I like it there. But I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t escape I am too scared of what would happen. Too sad about what is left behind. I guess I am chained here, like a wolf in a trap.

I guess I could do a lot of things to dissipate the negativity I feel. I could draw? No, it is so bad I laugh at it. Write? I can but it doesn’t turn out right. I could act? That kind of works but not always available or practical. Sports? Aren’t really me. Talk with friends? I don’t know If I trust them. I guess that is because I don’t trust me. I guess if you have ever broke down in tears for no reason you know it that everything is not alright with you. I have thought about therapy but My dad wouldn’t go for it. He doesn’t know how I thought about death, and how close I became to suicide years ago and how many times I have had the urge to do something I really wouldn’t do, but felt like doing it as it was my next goal. I laugh it off. I at least try, but the feeling lingers on. I bet at least one person had wanted to jump up on their desk, rip up some test, have a freak out, and march out. I think a lot. Some would be the ones that would grab all his stuff steal a car and live off whatever they can make traveling or living in the wilderness. I have thought about that lots, but I have had the urge to explode and tell everything I feel before stealing a car, grabbing guns, and shooting certain people that deserve to feel pain. I guess that is crazy. The crazy truth. The truth I am crazy.

I have moved around a lot. So many times it is terrible. The worst part it was my childhood, after I was five no more than a year in a place, more likely six months. It made me an antisocial introvert that had trouble making friends. Perfect target for bullying and teasing. But bullying and teasing sound so childish. And the impact it made on me is nothing like that. More like the dictionary term “to treat abusively”. And that made me not trust people falling down into my hole of seclusion and fear. Then there was the parents divorce. It took me hard. Harder then I thought at the time, which I thought was one of the worse things ever. That kind of broke me because I had my home and school life wrecked. And for social life there was none. Some people say things like this build character. I say the shatter you and make you put yourself back together again putting in new pieces from the ones that were lost. And I have a lot of lost memories that I wish I could put back in.

I am a boy, yes, but I do not like sports, degrading women, sex jokes, or hanging out with guys that are like that. I did that once by accident. I wanted to feel excepted I wanted to dig out of my social hole. It was fun, but only because I was naive. I knew the guys as bullies. My bullies. The guys that would hurt me, abuse me, but I wanted to feel excepted. So I made a remark. I remark I regret. Something that they would say. And I said more till I was in. Then it kind of stopped for me. But I was just a plaything of a sorts. Until I found a friend under one of them. It was hard but I found it. It was good, good until others came and led him away from who he was becoming. Who I wanted him to be, who I think at that time he wanted to be himself, and back into the man he used to be but worse. But I could not let go because I was scared. I waited. And waited. For him to go back but he didn’t. And I soon noticed it was changing me into someone I was not. Who I still not back from. So I broke free. And it felt good. Alone but good. Then I found a group of friends that pulled be back. They were nice people. And they still are  but I don’t see them as often as I should. They did sort of introduce me to my group I am with now. Even though we are kind of falling apart there is some old strong tape keeping them together. But my new tape is not as good and really slipping and I try to keep sticking it back on my mind hopefully for the last time, but it keeps on falling. I am yearning for them to give me some of their tape to hold me stuck.

I don’t like my name Josh just doesn’t sound like me. I know I was named after “Joshua Tree” a CD by U2, but I don’t care and neither does anyone else. I can’t or just won’t do anything about it, but I have always wanted to change it to something like Jase, Wolfgang, Skye, Seth, or Jude. I think people would think that is stupid and so would I but I still want to do it. I always try to act smart, sometimes it works, but other times it just doesn’t. I also wish I had clear skin, straight hair, a better body, a smart mind, a girlfriend, and a lot of other things that I don’t have. I would be perfect. The thing is with perfection is that it is like a bar set to high to reach and every time you jump closer it gets higher so you will never get it no matter how hard you try it is unachievable. Then why do we all still strive and work our lives to their end over it? Who knows? I certainly don’t.
This is very negitively self centered rant. I had to get it off my chest and by tomorrow I hope to feel better.
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suigincard's avatar
I like it (:
Sadly enough, I don't have anything more to say, but I don't think anything else really needs to be said.
I think I might write one of these.
It's been a while since I've written anything.